The 28th Mother's Day Wisdom

Expectations are the bane of my existence. On Mother’s Day especially, they have ruined things on more than one occasion. Expectations on myself to be more, to do more, to rise to a perfect picture in my head of what I should be. Expectations I have on my family to make my day perfect. I picture in my head the heartfelt sentiments, the homemade gifts, the amazing surprises, the perfectly cleaned house, the beautifully sung odes to my awesomeness…and the list goes on. Ugh. Why would I want to hold myself, or them, to such a standard? Who ever said I had to be a perfect mother? Have I ever met someone who actually meets the standard I hold myself to? I open my mouth to say, “Yes, of course!” only to realize she only exists in the collective conscience of all the other amazingly imperfect women and mothers I know. And my poor family! Why would I ever want to subject them to the weight of having to meet the expectations in my head, often without me telling them what’s in there? I’m sorry guys.

I was thinking about all of this as I woke up this Mother’s Day, my 28th as a mother, and I wondered, “What voice am I listening to when I set all of these impossible standards for myself and my cute loved ones?” I would never tell another woman she had to meet the expectations I put on myself! I would never beat up another person’s heart and soul with the same energy I have mine over the years! I think about my Mom and see clearly the beautiful, wonderful, but obviously imperfect kind of mother she is and I love her all the more for her constant love and devotion. Whoever that voice is that invades my peace, that tells me that I’m not enough, that suggests to me if my family could just be perfect this one day of the year it might make everything better — THAT voice can just get out of dodge. Now. I’m not listening anymore. 

I am finally old enough (and maybe wise enough, occasionally…when all the planets align and there’s a blue moon) to decide what voice I listen to between the walls of my own head. I am going to listen to the one who speaks truth. All those perfect ideals I yearn to be are wonderful if they motivate me to get up and try again, but they are not reality. I am choosing to be the voice in my head who cheers me on when I respond to a child with patience even when I’m tired, or actually makes a homemade dinner, or puts down my phone and goes outside to play with my kids. I’m going to be proud of me when despite being so tired that I’m literally half asleep in bed, I am able to listen and be there for a teenager who comes in and wants to talk. I’m going to tell myself, “You are enough!” “Look at the good you did today!” “I’m not waiting to be perfect, I love myself now!” “Keep trying, you have come so far!” I’m also listening to the voice that says, “That was a hard day, but it doesn’t define you. The desires of your heart are what matter. How can you do things differently next time?” If the voice is positive, gentle, and kind, I will listen.

To all my beautiful mother friends, if you are struggling to hear that positive voice, then hear mine instead. You do not have to listen to the voices that would tear you down! Fill your mind and heart with the truth about you. Nobody else expects you to be perfect. Hear my voice in your head (not in a creepy way) and let me cheer you on! You are doing some great things! You are doing better than you think! You are exactly the mom your kids need! Look for evidence that you are becoming the mother you want to be and one day you’ll look back and see that if you’d been perfect from the beginning, you would have missed the whole point of the journey. Happy Mother’s Day!

Schooled by Five Year-Olds

I taught the most adorable five year-olds in church yesterday, but we got off to a bit of a rocky start. It went something like this:

Adorable child #1: Are you our teacher?

Me: (enthusiastically)Yes!

Adorable child #2: Did you bring snacks?

Me: (less enthusiastically) Um...no. 

Adorable child #3: Did you bring candy?

Me: (face falls) No. (Thinks fast) But I have mints! (Gives everyone a mint)

Adorable child #1: Are we gonna do fun stuff?

Me: (perking up) Yes!

Adorable child #2: Did you bring bubbles?

Me: (perking down) Oh, uh...no. 

Adorable child #3: (rifling through my bag) I don't see any fun stuff in here. 

Adorable child #1: Are we going to color?

Me: Yes! 😅 Yes I brought crayons! (Whew!)

Adorable child #2: (chokes on mint) Aaah, this is the spicy kind!

Me: 😳

I guess I've been teaching adults too long.

In the Strength of the Lord

I do NOT usually care about politics. Ask Ren. Many times I've told him, "You figure out who and what we're voting for and make me a cheat sheet." It's a little embarrassing, but Ren is thorough and open-minded and I trust him. With a presidential election coming up though, the candidates and the issues are permeating even my world of ignorant bliss and I must say I've been pretty troubled by the choices. It seems that the presidential candidates have sunk to a new low in personal character.

This election circus has sparked memories from teaching a year-long class to our homeschool co-op several years ago. I remember passionately teaching these kids about their country which was founded by good men who believed in, and received, help from the providence of God. These men created a government that they knew would work IF the public was educated and would elect virtuous leaders who had integrity and wisdom. I'm just not seeing a whole lot of that among the pickings on either side today.

With this swirling in my thoughts, I came upon some scriptures in the Book of Mormon that really caught my attention yesterday. In 1 Nephi 13: 16-19 it reads:

"16 And it came to pass that I, Nephi, beheld that the Gentiles who had gone forth out of captivity, [the colonists from Europe] did humble themselves before the Lord; and the power of the Lord was with them.

17 And I beheld that their mother Gentiles [the British] were gathered together upon the waters, and upon the land also, to battle against them.

18 And I beheld that the power of God was with them, and also that the wrath of God was upon all those that were gathered together against them to battle.

19 And I, Nephi, beheld that the Gentiles that had gone out of captivity were delivered by the power of God out of the hands of all other nations."

As I read this, I tried to picture candidates, from either side, being elected President. I attempted to see them humbling themselves before the Lord and receiving his help -- impossible. I thought of the times in the scriptures that the people became so weak-minded they begged for a king instead of righteous judges and God gave them what they wanted -- to their downfall. I thought of the promise that as long as the people are righteous they will be preserved in the land.

And the conclusion to all of this formed in my mind -- if the people of this country elect someone who is the complete antithesis of a George Washington or a John Adams in integrity, wisdom and virtue, then it indicates our country as a whole has fallen to a level of weak-mindedness that will lead to our downfall. God will no longer preserve this country if its leaders don't care to ask Him to anymore. And the time is coming when we will find ourselves with the nations of the earth turning on us and no divine providence to help. We'll be left to our own strength and will find that the strength of this nation was never our own, it was God's.

Sustaining the Prophet -- In Favor!!!

I missed the first hour of the Saturday afternoon session of General Conference yesterday. Not to worry though, I learned from my trusty Facebook feed that during the sustaining of the Prophet, his counselors and the 12 apostles, a negative vote was registered as several people yelled, “Opposed!” I wasn’t surprised to hear this as I’ve heard the rumblings and seen the posts and even watched during our own ward conference as someone chose not to sustain them when we were asked for a sustaining vote. So, this morning as I was readying things in the quiet before the storm of children and Easter baskets, I thought I would turn on the afternoon session and see for myself what had happened. 

I wasn’t prepared to see how this would affect my beloved apostles and prophets. When the first “Opposed!” voices cut through the air, President Uchtdorf caught his breath just slightly, as if hit by something, then quickly recovered and said that the response had been noted. Then as he read the names of the apostles and the camera panned past each one I looked at their faces. They appeared grim, troubled and very serious. Then I realized Elder Holland looked to be fighting back tears and upon closer examination many of them were. I’m overcome with sadness even now and can’t stop the tears from coming. I’m sure these men knew that this was coming, but the reality of it must have been deeply saddening to them. Why? These men consecrate their lives for decades to go amongst the people of this church serving and loving and teaching. They have to sacrifice a cushy retirement, spending lots of time with grandbabies or relaxing on a golf course to follow their Savior and do His work. They are happy to do it. They love Him so much and it is their testimonies of Him that give me strength. And they know and love President Monson with a depth that only comes from sitting next to a man and watching his selfless service for more decades than I have been alive. I think they grieved more for their beloved Prophet than for themselves. To see him rejected and opposed by fellow followers of Christ after his years of faithfulness in serving them must have felt in a small way like the crowds of Jerusalem yelling, “Crucify Him!” as the Savior of the world watched in silence.

The first presidency and the quorum of the twelve apostles don’t do what they do for prestige or fame or honor. They don’t teach what is unpopular because it is so fun to have the fiery darts fly in their direction. They do it for the same reason Abinadi was willing to testify to the end of his life, as they burned him to death, that he would follow Jesus Christ and proclaim his testimony even if it meant giving his life.

There were thousands in the conference center lovingly raising their hands to say, “We sustain you!” If their voices could be heard it would have been a thunderous noise. But they were willing to send that support through loving hearts and earnest expressions, praying that the spirit of the Holy Ghost would carry it to these men. 

I wish I could go to the conference center and yell, “I sustain you!” at the top of my lungs, but I can’t and it wouldn’t be the right way. I will just show them and my Lord that I do by listening to the words He gives them to say to me, by examining my heart when those words seem sharp or hard to hear and ask myself, “What changes do I need to make so I am in harmony with the Lord’s will as revealed through our prophets?” It’s not the flashy way, but flashy and loud and contentious isn’t the Lord’s way and I follow Him.

Happy New Year!

2014 was a...year! 

(Still searching for the perfect word to capture all the chaos and craziness)

According to tradition, I am compelled to share the strange and funny sayings heard around this house over the year. As we're getting older, the hilarious observations that come with little kids are less, but by our very natures, we're still weird so we're still writing it down. Here's to another year of laughing at ourselves! 

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Jonah gets out of the car for his early morning class and laments: “Aw, my buns were just getting toasty.” Jen replies: “It’s okay, just carry your toasty buns in your heart all day long.”

Doorbell rings, Jen yells: “If it’s a short guy, tell him Gid can’t play because his eyeballs are contagious!”

Talking about steak Hannah says, “I just don’t like it. It’s like chewing on a hunk of cow.”

Gid has a profound epiphany: “Mom, if I were a frog, I’d have a serious problem” 

Mom: “Oh really?”

Gid: “Yeah, cuz look how short my tongue is!” (sticks out his super short tongue, that could NEVER catch flies)

Mom: “Yup. You’d be dead.”

Gid: “Ew! Curtis your feet smell like bad dreams!”

While helping Gid read the long words during scripture time, Ren tells him: “Just slow down and take it one phoneme at a time.” Does anyone sense the irony?

The day our puppy Mikey got “fixed” Eli asked: “Is Mikey getting his tentacles removed?”

Gid is assigned to write about an invention that will be around when he is a grown-up. He announces: “I’m gonna invent the Puppy Maker 4000! You take a boy dog and a girl dog who haven’t been fixed and you put them in a giant metal box. Then you choose on the panel the number of puppies you want, press a button, wait a day and then you have puppies!”

Jonah: “I like sleep. It’s like a time-machine to my next meal.”

Gid says this about 97% fat-free hot dogs: “They tasted like rotten diapers on a Friday night!”

Mom: “I wish I could lose weight from crying. I’d be sooooo skinny by now!”

After Jen and Hannah give Cody most excellent girl advice he says: “You two are like knives through the butter of my confusion.”

Hannah looking at her smoothie: “It’s like ‘My Little Pony’ in a blender!”

Gid wolfing down a plate of pasta says: “When nooders are on the line, I’m on the move!”

During the week of the twins’ play, fake facial hair was found in random places. Finally Ren decreed: “Sideburns cannot live on the kitchen counter! You must observe proper sideburn storage!”

Jonah: “I am a valuable resource. My demand is high and so’s the supply.”

Cody: “Nobody likes 288. It’s just two gross.”

Cody: “That awkward moment at the feminist picnic when they realize nobody made any sandwiches.” 

Curtis: “What do you call a world leader’s cynical yet funny reaction after he falls into a canyon? Tsar-chasm!”

Jonah: “What do you call a dinosaur that gouges out its eyes? An Oedipus Rex.”

Curtis: “A couple of Smuckers trucks crashed on the highway. It caused quite a jam.”

Zach — A Hunger Games pun: Katniss and Peeta are looking for Finnick. Katniss says, “Where’s Finnick?” Peeta says, “Odair he is.”

Jonah: “How did God part the red sea? Through Os-Moses.”

Have a Punny New Year! (Groan.)

The Best Gift of the Year

December 24, 2014

Two months ago I checked my Pink Pad App and saw that "Aunt Flo" was due to come Christmas Day. The thoughts that ran through my head went something like this: "Dang nabbit! Isn't getting ready for Christmas hard enough? Aren't I already an emotional basket case for the entirety of December as it is?" The Christmas season is hard for me. The guilt about that is even harder. I LOVE Christmas and celebrating my Savior's birth. I LOVE the lights and the music and having my house cozy and decorated. I love choosing gifts for my family, paying attention to the little things they say or observing their interests and talents so I can surprise them with something really meaningful. I love wrapping presents and making each one a unique little work of art, matching papers and ribbons and even coordinating the tissue paper inside. I absolutely adore making (and eating) decorated sugar cookies, designing Christmas cards, envisioning and carrying out fun family pictures and then writing a Christmas letter that includes our funny sayings for the year. I love serving people and giving money to the Salvation Army bell ringer at Wal-mart. And I love making handmade gifts: crocheting, sewing, making family calendars, ornaments and every sort of Christmas doodad you could imagine. I love playing all of my Christmas music on the piano and accompanying the church choir for our Christmas service. I just love it all! Hence, the problem. I want it all and I'm very specific and elaborate in my vision of what the perfect Christmas is.  I wonder why reality seems to fall short? (That was sarcasm in case you missed it.) 

I do recognize that I have a problem (that's the first step in recovery for any addiction), but Christmas is so incredibly special, it is really hard to let go of even one of these lovely things. As happens with all irrational behavior and expectations, stubbornly insisting on hanging on to all of the "trappings" comes around to bite me in the end. It all quickly falls apart and I end up exhausted, sick and disillusioned on Christmas morning, wanting so badly to just feel close to my Savior and to radiate His love; but instead, projecting the message to my kids that Christmas is an overwhelming, stressful, guilt-ridden time of year that brings out the worst in their mother.

Over the past several years it has been my mission to change the outcome of my Christmas mania and I have made some progress. I was hopeful coming into this year that it would be even better than ever, until that perky pink app on my phone crushed my hopes with a red circle around the 25th on the calendar. Well, expecting to fail is not the way to go into things and thank heavens I didn't entertain that thought for long. Because of all I've learned in my emotional healing education program, I've been able to diffuse and deal with stresses as they've arisen and arrive here on the morning before Christmas still feeling peaceful and grounded.

One example happened last Sunday -- the day of our Christmas church service. As it happens, I was the organist for our worship service as well as the pianist for the choir and for a small group of women singing in the women's meeting later. I'd prepared and prayed and practiced and arrived at the chapel feeling relaxed and ready. Ironically, I'd even been chatting with the boys in the car on the way over about how much easier it was for me to accompany people now that I'd done so much emotional healing and knew to stay present and grounded when I started to get nervous. How could I tempt fate by making that observation just before it all began?! Well, I did and I soon had to eat my words. As the choir warmed up, I fumbled a little over one of the harder arrangements, which led to feeling a little shaky and making more mistakes, feeling shakier and more worried and...you get the picture. 

I usually use an essential oil blend called Balance in exactly these situations that calms and grounds me, but I didn't have it with me. So, I played the opening hymn and sat through the first part of the service feeling so unsettled and dreading the choir numbers so much that I wanted to cry. During the adminstering of the sacrament I decided the only thing to do was to pray -- really pray and give all of it to Christ. I told God very specifically what I needed to get rid of: fear, frustration, despair, shame, the shakiness and uncertainty and doubting myself; and I asked Him to send it to His Son to be changed into light and peace and confidence and feeling His enabling power filling me up. As I named these things a warmth came into my heart and spread through my body with such love and peace that it was almost tangible. All the negative energy fled as Christ replaced it with His light and power. I could see Him in my mind's eye with His hands on my head and I could almost feel guardian angels surrounding me. My heart nearly overflowed with gratitude! As I played, it wasn't perfect, but it was nearly so and I stayed calm and confident and was able to support the choir who sang beautifully, with angels I'm sure. What an incredible, miraculous blessing!

I've had several such experiences this month, though none quite as profound as what I just described. I've felt so much peace as I've made Christmas preparations. I've felt myself going into the darkness feeling overwhelmed and despairing and I've been able to call on Christ to pull me out and He has. I've been able to let go of some of my perfect visions of Christmas splendor and allow a less perfect but also less stressful version come forward: like when my boys offered to wrap the presents and I let them! They're not the way I would have done it, but they look pretty darn good and I didn't have to wrap all the presents for eight other people (that's an immense amount of wrapping, let me tell you!) Or like the fact that the Christmas cards are going out on Friday, because who wants the fun to end right? I've been led to just the right store and just the right things when I needed to get the shopping done and didn't have any time to spare. I've had ideas come into my mind that were just the right thing for a gift so I didn't have to stress. Each time I've started to feel the tension, I've just said a little prayer and been given a tender mercy that made the path a little smoother.

The point to this musing is my realization that I have been given the greatest gift of Christmas this year: Jesus Christ! It is the atonement of Jesus Christ which allows Him to take on my pain, suffering, frustration, fear and despair. And He doesn't just take all of this, he takes it and replaces it with His peace and His power to climb the mountains I need to climb! My Heavenly Father gave the gift of His beloved Son so that I could travel through the wilderness of this earth life with hope and joy despite the hardship and sorrow. He must love me so much to have been willing to watch Christ endure unimaginable pain and anguish as He completed His mission. And there's no doubt in my mind or heart that Christ loves me with a depth I can't even begin to comprehend. He knows me, because he's taken on all my "stuff" willingly so I don't ever have to walk alone, stumbling along hopeless and lost. He is the gift this Christmas that has made all the difference! I testify that I KNOW He lives! With every fiber of my being I know Him and feel Him with me. Maybe all of the hustle and bustle is here to teach me that what I really want and need is His peace and His love. Well, I'm feeling it now and my heart is happy.

Richard & Evonne: 50 Years and Counting

We celebrated my parents' 50th anniversary a couple of weeks ago -- what a fabulous occasion! I made this slideshow which barely touches their lives, but is fun to watch nonetheless. Enjoy!